Back when we were beginning this serries, we spent a good bit of time talking about establishing approrpiate boundarieis between parents and children.  We discussed much about problems that arrise when children are allowed to take on adult roles and assume status of near equality with parents.

Today's lesson is, in essence, the other side of the coin to that lesson.  Today, we will take a look at some of the problems that can occur when parents create expectations that compel children to fulfill unmet needs of the parents.
 

• Remember, again, back when you were in school.  What were your parents expectations for academic success?  Did they "push" you?  Did they "push" you beyond what you were capable of?
 

• Did your parents ever say something like, "Well, I just want you to enjoy the things I never had...."?  How did this make you feel?
 

• Did you ever accomplish something because you knew it was important to your parents?  How rewarding was the accomplishment to you, in such a case?
 

• Of all the time your parents "pushed" you, how many times were they trying to help you achieve YOUR best?  Were there times they were trying to get you to be successful for reasons that served THEM more than YOU?
 

Expectations should be based on Values (Last week Review)

To make parents feel good about themselves is NOT an appropriate value

Expectations are different from aspiratations

Expectations should be in line with childs ability, access to resources, and interests.

Expectations should be clearly defined and somewhat measurable

Expectations for children should be grounded in a value system that leads to the kind of adult we want our children to be.  However, they must be reasonable.  Never should expectations for a child be such that they lead to fulfillment of the parent's needs.  Expectations should be limited by the child's abilities, interests, and access to resources.
 

Take a look at this "case study" and discuss whether or not each of the expectations listed below are appropriate for the child.

Mr Smith was an all-city athlete through his Jr. year when he broke his wrist and missed the season.  He never managed to "get his game back" after the accident, but went on to college where he majored in marketing.  While at college, he met Mrs. Smith.  Until meeting Mr. Smith, she had been rather socially isolated, generally feeling under appreciated over the course of her school years.  She completed her degree in engineering.

Both Smith's landed good jobs in substantial firms where they were able to advance over the years.  Their marriage was healthy and after a few years, they had children.  The oldest, Mary, is a freshman in high school and the other, Bob is in sixth grade.  This study will focus on Mary.

Mary is a good student with high aptitude scores.  Her grades are generally all A's with some B's.  Her mom worries that she is missing out on the social activities at church and school due to the time she spends studying and reading for pleasure.  Mr. Smith has encouraged her to take part in physical activities such as dance, karate, and soccer.  She has shown some talent as a dancer and in soccer, but does not particularly enjoy karate.  She continues to take classes, however.  Mary has always wanted to please her parents, but sometimes struggles to do so without some degree of sacrifice.

A particular example was the freshman class officer elections.  Mary did not want to run, but her mom strongly encouraged her, telling her how proud she would be if Mary won.  Mary tried hard to put on a campaign, but ended up not winning.  A rumor went around that she had only a handful of votes.  Mary was very embarrassed, but her mom told her to buck up and that things would be better "next time."

Now, take a look at Mr. and Mrs. Smith's expectations for Mary.  Judge how appropriate they are, based on what you have learned.  Evaluate each on the basis of values they promote, child's ability, interest, available resources, clarity, and measurability.
 

Some expectations for Mary:

• Get her Black Belt before graduation
• Make good grades, take good classes, and go to college or some other post high school education
• Participate in church youth activities, worship, and bible study
• Play varsity soccer
• Be popular and have an active social life
• Be involved in school activities like student government
• Eat a healthy, nutritious diet, exercise (soccer/karate/dance)
• Have activity plans before "going out" and explain them to parents and obtain their approval
• Call home before she deviates from declared activity plans
• Attend "cultural events" like theater, ballet, and museum exhibits