Steven R. Covey, in his book The 7 habits of Highly Effective Families, encourages parents to "Begin with the end in mind." In the previous lesson, we discussed the very important need for there to be unity among the caregiving partners.  This lesson today extends that principle to a practice application.
 
 
 

Remember when you were young?  Think about a rule your family had that you thought was a bit unusual or perhaps unfair.  Spend a few minutes discussing this.  Here are some possible aspects of this to discuss:
 

Were your parents in general agreement about the rule?  Did they enforce it uniformly?  If not, how did you feel about the rule?  If so, how did you feel about the rule?
 

Did you ever break the rule and if so, what happened.  In light of your experiences and from your adult view looking back, did the rule have merit?
 

Can you see reasons for the rule now that you did not see then?  Was the rule just a rule of convenience for you parents?

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Much can be gained from taking some time to examine values.  The time you spend discussing this and exploring this will be time well spent as you tap into the foundations of your belief system.  In fact, the time you spend in this endeavor may be as valuable as the time you spend in any other aspect of developing expectations for your children's behavior.

Previously, the value of spending time alone and with your spouse has also be discussed.  Indeed, it is from such times that the development of clearly defined values emerges.  In the days and weeks to come, keep an ear open to clues about things that are important as you spend time reflecting and talking.

Identifying values

As you follow the advice to spend time alone and in discussion, take special note of strong, passionate reactions to topics that come up.  The reactions are clues to values.  Things that set us off are somehow connected to things we hold in high regard.  The value we assign to different things influences how we react to events associated with that thing.  When a team we like wins, we react with joy.  When a person we admire is belittled, we become defensive.  If we become dismayed at poor service at the drive through it is because our value system tells us that good service is a reasonable expectation.

As you consider your home environment, examine what values may be the foundation for rules.  Why can't the children play ball in the house?  What's inherently wrong with doing so?  There is a value on something that is more important than our value on fun in the house.

To take this idea to the next level, begin developing a list of family values.  What is important to your specific family?  Write down a list of things you feel is important foundational qualities of the person you want your son or daughter to be.

This is an extremely important, often overlooked, step to development of realistic behavioral expectations.  This list of values is the reason behind the rules.  Every behavioral expectation and prohibition in your family should grow out of family values.

As you make your list of expectations and prohibitions later, make sure you know what value each is supporting.  You, as I was, may uncover some family values that are dear to you, but which you have never before stated in words.
 
 

From Values to Expectations, from Expectations to Values.

Once you have established a clear picture of your value system, you are ready to begin connecting these values to expectations.  On the other hand, you may already have some very clear behavioral expectations for your children.  An interesting exercise is to take a look at those expectations and work backwards to the value that they support.  It is indeed possible to learn about values you hold as important that you have not previously identified as a value.

Here are a few examples:
 

Expectation	Value (may be more than one)
Don't wear your shoes in the house.	Material possessions (carpet wear and tear). Neat and tidy home.
Homework must be completed before using the telephone.	Education is more important than fun. Fulfill your responsibilities before enjoying privileges.
Call home before leaving from a friend's house.	Safety. Doing what you say you will do.
Put your dirty clothes in the hamper.	Neat and tidy home. Caring for possessions.
Tell the truth even if it leads to possible problems	Honesty, integrity.

In the days to come as this course continues, begin to develop a clearer picture of your values by examining the reasons behind your strong reactions to events and by looking at those expectations you can clearly state.  This understanding of values will be quite important as you progress in the development of a comprehensive description of behavioral expectations for your family. 

Want to do more?  Print out this work-sheet and start identifying YOUR family values.