This week, we wrapped up the discussion of family systems -- how the family is structured and how members of the family interact.  If you want to get the acrobat format of this weeks content, Click Here!

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When looking at the family in its entirety, many variations can be formed based on differences in boundaries, rules, and channels of communication.  Many of the varieties can be healthy and lead to very successful functioning.  Remember, success in regards to family interaction is defined as the acquiring of happiness and satisfaction by the members of the family.  In terms of the development of the children, success is considered children who develop into happy adults who find their lives meaningful and fulfilling, and who are capable of becoming responsible, independent contributors to society.  Unfortunately, there is no one way to reach these goals.
 However, there are some configurations of boundaries, rules, and channels of communication that tend to point families in the right direction.  Likewise, there are other configurations that tend to lead to problems.  Looking at these configurations -- how the members of the family interact -- is regarded by family therapy as examining the family system.

Take a few minutes and consider each of the following questions.
 

How does your family interact?  Discuss with others some of the things you need to alter in how your family has configured its boundaries, rules, and established channels of communications.
 
 

If a member of your family disagreed with another member, what would most likely happen?
 
 

Is the answer different if the two disagreeing members are the parents?  How?

Basic principles of a family system that tend to be effective were discussed last week, but, warrant being repeated here.  When boundaries are clear and stable, rules are understood and consistent, and channels of communication are open and allow for the family to change with time, the potential for success is greatest.
 

The Marital Relationship

 A healthy marriage exists when two become one.  Two people come together and redefine themselves.  A marriage “involves a rupture with . . . [the] former reality and the construction of a new, private sphere which is the special turf of the two people involved” (Scarf, 1987, p 35).   It is a union between two people who are “self supporting and supportive-of-others and who are committed to the marriage union” (Martin, 1994, p 31).  Basically, the model marriage relationship is one of total devotion to each other between two people.  The ideal marriage should include these aims:

 “First, strive for a solid foundation of trust, loyalty, respect and security.  Your spouse is your closest relative and is entitled to depend on you as a committed ally, supporter and champion.

 Second, cultivate the tender, loving part of your relationship: sensitivity, consideration, understanding, and demonstrations of affection and caring.  Regard each other as confidante, companion, and friend.

 Third, strengthen the partnership.  Develop a sense of cooperation, consideration, and compromise.  Sharpen your communication skills so that you can more easily make decisions about practical issues, such as division of work, preparing and implementing a family budget, and planning leisure-time activities” (Beck, 1988, p 9).

The Parents as Head of the Family

 The parental subsystem -- parents -- must be the front line and the final word on rules and roles in the family.  Parents cannot abdicate this responsibility to anyone or problems will follow.  Especially, they cannot abdicate to the children.
 

• There is a strong need for clear boundaries between parents and children. No service is done for children when they are allowed to cross the boundaries between the parental subsystem and the rest of the family.
• Rule making is the role of the parents.  Children should be able to communicate information into the decision making process, but ultimately the rules should be made by parents. 
• There needs to be good channels of communication that provide important information to parents about changes in the family and the world around it.
• The parental subsystem needs to be united and solid.  Husbands and wives need to be totally committed to one another.  Single parents need to be so committed to themselves that they maintain the boundary just like two parent families. 

Children in their Place

 With a strong parental subsystem in place, children (or the hereafter unused term, sibling subsystem) can find their place rather easily.  With security in the protection of parents, children are free to develop normally.  If the parents establish appropriate rules and boundaries and provide opportunities for appropriate input from the children, the boundaries between children and parents cannot be broken solely by the child’s initiative.

Interaction Patterns that Suggest Structural Problems

 Once all the structures are in place, most problems of interaction are prevented.  However, families can operate thinking that they have boundaries, rules, and communication, but still have problems.  Sometimes, it is easier to identify faulty patterns of interaction that result from structural problems than it is to see the structural problem itself.
 Because blended families, extended families, and single parent families already differ from the traditional family, the potential for structural problems is greater.  It is not absolutely certain that such families will have problems, but the differences in the family configuration puts it at greater risk for such problems.  As a result, these types of families need to pay close attention to patterns of interaction and look for signs that suggest problems.

An Elevated Child:
 When a child takes on roles that should be carried out by adults, that child has been elevated out of the child role.  This is clearly a problem with boundaries and rules of interaction.  While this structural defect most often becomes clear when children are teens, the process can begin in childhood. There are several patterns of interaction that reveal the presence of an elevated child.

Triangulation:
 In its purest representation of system theory, a triangle is an emotional relationship in which two primary members, when in stress, include a third member to take out some of the stress (Bowen, 1985).  Applied to families, what often happens is that conflict within the parental subsystem results in one member turning to a child for emotional release.  “Triangulation provides the opportunity to stabilize one’s own emotional feelings about other[s] through talking to a third party” (Freeman, 1991). 
 When this is observed in a family and involves a parent and a child, then it is clear evidence of boundary violation.  It indicates that the parent has turned to the child for emotional release and is treating the child as an adult.

Rescuing:
 A similar pattern of interaction is rescuing a child from appropriate parental discipline (as opposed to abusive discipline).  When one parent confronts another parent about such issues in the presence of the children, then it is clear that some disunity exists in the parental unity.  In essence, the interpretation can be made that the child is more important at that time than the parental relationship.  Clearly this is evidence of some problem in the family structure.
For the single parent, this may appear as going to a child after discipline and apologizing.  It could be like rescuing the child from oneself.
 

References:

Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is Never Enough.  New York: Harper & Row.
Martin, P. A. (1994). A Marital Therapy Manual.  Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson Inc.
Scarf, M. (1987).  Intimate Partners.  New York: Random House.

If you downloaded the Acrobat file, you may want to look over it before going on.

Consider the following questions and share your experiences.

From the information above, look at the three things Aaron Beck said were elements of the ideal marriage.  Is there one or more of these that would, if more fully developed, improve your marriage relationship?  Which one(s) and why?
 

Are the children in your family enjoying the security of a clearly defined family 
structure?  If not, in what ways can changes be made that will improve this?

Look at the brief presentation of Interaction patterns that suggest structural problems.  Do you see any of these present in your family?  What can you do to get rid of them?